


Night Watch

by loveslashangst



Category: The X-Files, Torchwood
Genre: Crossover, Everyone in Torchwood gets laid except Owen, Fluff and Crack, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-20
Updated: 2013-06-20
Packaged: 2017-12-15 13:48:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/850249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loveslashangst/pseuds/loveslashangst
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>X-Files Meets Torchwood. Yeah, that's gonna go well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Encounters

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer** : If I were the BBC, Torchwood would be late-night-cable-worthy. If I were Fox, seasons 7-9 would not have happened. Ergo...  
>  **Spoilers** : Pre "Exit Wounds"? Honestly, it's AU. If there was a crossover this was spoiling, it would be awesome. :D

_FADE IN_

_EXT. SUBURBAN STREET (WASHINGTON D.C.) - NIGHT_

_The unmarked car of Fox Mulder and Dana Scully discreetly rolls to a stop outside an impressive gated estate._

_INT. MULDER'S CAR (STATIONARY) - SAME_

_Mulder shifts the car into park._

SCULLY  
This is a fool's errand, Mulder.

MULDER  
Think of it as an opportunity.

SCULLY  
There's no way a guy who owns a million-dollar--

MULDER  
Several millions, I'd think.

SCULLY  
\-- estate like this wastes his time trolling for artifacts on E-Bay.

MULDER  
Well, then this will be a very short, very pleasant social call. And you never know -- some of the FBI's best tech could be inspired by finds from Eddie and Ethel Mid-America.

_Mulder gets out of the car_

SCULLY  
They are not... and this is D.C.! Mulder…

_She huffs, exasperated, and follows him out of the car._

_EXT. THE PERIMETER FENCE - SAME_

_Longsuffering but doggedly loyal, Scully hustles on fashionable chunky heels to catch up to Mulder. He peers beyond the fence as he ambles._

_Ahead on the fence, a sign says "DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!"_

_Curious, Mulder picks up a rock. Tosses it like a skipping stone at the fence._

_A loud SIZZLING. Several CRACKLES. A flash of light. A puff of smoke._

_The rock has been obliterated._

MULDER  
Wow.

SCULLY  
So much for the sneaky way. Did Skinner have any suggestions for how we're supposed to get in?

MULDER  
Not really.

SCULLY  
Figures.

MULDER  
But the Gunmen sent me complete schematics.

SCULLY  
Then why are we wandering around, throwing rocks at the urban estate of Dr. Evil?

MULDER  
Was that an Austin Powers reference?

SCULLY  
( _losing patience_ )  
Mullllllllllder...

_Grinning, Mulder unfolds a printout._

MULDER  
C'mon. Should be right over here.

_EXT. ANOTHER PART OF THE FENCE - SAME_

_Owen Harper, Captain Jack Harkness, and Ianto Jones make their quick and quiet way along the fence, guns drawn and trained on the ground._

OWEN  
Swear to God, Jack, if you start humming the Mission Impossible Theme...

JACK  
Hear that, Ianto? Owen's trying to take the fun out of this.

IANTO  
Yes, sir. How could one possibly miss the fun that is sneaking about in a heavily-armed foreign country after dark beside a death-fence?

JACK  
Well, it'd be more fun if it were just you and me…

OWEN  
Oi! Get a room. Where are the girls, anyway?

_Ianto taps his hands-free._

IANTO  
Tosh. You in place?

_INTERCUT AS NEEDED_

_EXT. STILL ANOTHER PART OF THE FENCE - SAME_

_Toshiko Sato pauses to tap her hands-free. Gwen Cooper, gun drawn, covers her._

TOSH  
Yup. Is Jack sure this is going to work?

JACK  
( _to Ianto_ )  
Absolutely.

IANTO  
Absolutely.

_BACK TO SCENE_

OWEN  
Since when does Teaboy get to be a wisearse?

JACK  
Since he started wearing fuchsia shirts and silk ties.

_Owen glares at Ianto_

IANTO  
They suit my colouring.

OWEN  
Oh for fuck's sake. Can we please get back to the mission?

_Ianto reaches into his jacket pocket. Takes out a small device. Hands it to Owen, who arms it. Sets it at the base of the fence, careful not to touch the fence._

OWEN  
Like this?

JACK  
Perfect.

IANTO  
Tosh?

_INTERCUT_

TOSH  
Gwen?

_Gwen, who's just finished arming and setting a similar device, gives a thumbs-up._

TOSH  
Ready.

_BACK TO SCENE_

_Owen gingerly presses a button_

_Owen, Jack, and Ianto run for it. Dive over a low hedge. Hit the ground._

_The device goes off with a near-soundless poof and an anaemic puff of smoke._

OWEN  
That's it?

_Jack bursts into giggles._

OWEN  
That...?  
( _realizes_ )  
Oh, you right fucking bastard.

JACK  
The look on your face...!  
( _to Ianto_ )  
What's the word?

IANTO  
"Priceless"?

OWEN  
Shut the fuck up.  
( _under his breath_ )  
Pack of hyenas.

_Owen taps his hands-free_

OWEN  
Tosh? Hope things are better over there, sweetheart, 'cause it's the Keystone fucking cops at this end.

_INTERCUT_

TOSH  
Not sure ours worked.

OWEN  
No big boom? Little puff of smoke?

TOSH  
Yeah.

OWEN  
Then everything's perfect. Seems ol' Jack thinks this is funny.

_BACK TO SCENE_

SCULLY  
Freeze! Federal agents!

_Owen turns, very slowly. Scully and Mulder, weapons drawn and pointed, have him, Ianto, and Jack in their sights._

OWEN  
( _softly, to hands-free_ )  
Have to get back to you.

SCULLY  
End the call, sir. And put your hands on your heads.

_Owen clicks off his hands-free. He, Jack, and Ianto lay their guns on the ground. Put their hands up._

JACK  
Federal agents? That means FBI?

MULDER  
State your business at this location.

JACK  
Well, that's a bit personal. Since when do federal agents take such an interest in private property?

OWEN  
Since he's richer than fuck, I'd guess.

MULDER  
We're here on...

_He pauses. Tilts the pages in his hand so he can see in the light. Looks slightly surprised._

MULDER  
Are you...  
( _reading_ )  
"Captain Jack Harkness"?

IANTO  
( _to Jack_ )  
Your reputation precedes you.

OWEN  
Oh my God. I knew it. He IS the international man of mystery.

JACK  
( _to Owen_ )  
Oh, behave.  
( _to Scully_ )  
We're here to clear up a little misunderstanding.

_Scully, gun still trained on the guys, picks up a stone. Throws it at the fence. It passes through without incident._

SCULLY  
Quite the misunderstanding you've cleared.

JACK  
We'll just get what we came for and be out of your hair.

OWEN  
Oh, like THAT doesn't sound suspicious.

JACK  
Let me handle this, Owen.

OWEN  
No, JACK.  
( _to Mulder_ )  
Look, we're professionals. Like you and your lady partner. And, like you and your lady partner, we're tasked with clearing up the messes other people make. The bloke in that mansion there's got something he shouldn't. It'll cause trouble if he keeps it. So, you and your very attractive lady partner--

MULDER  
You're "attractive", Scully.

SCULLY  
And a "lady". I heard him.

OWEN  
\--don't have to worry. Might be better if you don't. Not sure if you lot are set up to handle stuff like we're gonna see in there.

_Owen notices that Ianto and Jack wear identical "WTF" expressions._

OWEN  
What? It's the direct approach. Some people find it refreshing.

SCULLY  
Gentlemen, we're going to have to ask you to come with us.

JACK  
We'd rather not.

SCULLY  
Sir, I didn't ask you what you wanted.

JACK  
There's no need to escalate--

SCULLY  
Sir, we cannot condone your breaking and entering--

JACK  
Well, technically we haven't entered yet.

IANTO  
Not helping, sir.

JACK  
But since we need to do the entering...

_Twin Glocks point at the backs of Scully and Mulder's heads._

GWEN  
Good to see you've got the situation well in hand, Jack.

JACK  
Just doing my part to make sure my team looks good.

_Jack, Ianto, and Owen retrieve their weapons. Owen draws a second pistol._

_With a look at each other, Mulder and Scully reluctantly uncock and drop their weapons._

JACK  
What took you so long?

GWEN  
Well - generally speaking - if you charge in guns blazing, people tend to get shot.

OWEN  
That may well be the first intelligent thing I've ever heard you say.

GWEN  
Oh, would you shut up, Owen?

OWEN  
Oi! Anonymous mission, GWEN.

JACK  
Children, please.  
( _to Mulder_ )  
So who are you really? FBI don't usually sneak around private residences after midnight.

_Mulder reaches slowly for his shield. Owen trains both pistols on him. Calm and non-threatening, Mulder flashes the shield open to reveal his ID as an FBI agent. Owen checks it quickly. Hands it back._

MULDER  
Federal Agent Fox Mulder. And this is Agent Dana Scully.

JACK  
Fox Mulder? Seriously?

MULDER  
Yeah?

GWEN  
You know him?

JACK  
Well, I've read about... Wow... That's really cool.

SCULLY  
Your reputation precedes you.

MULDER  
Apparently.

TOSH  
Erm... Jack? I hate to break this up, but the suppressors aren't going to last too much longer.

JACK  
Right.  
( _gestures with gun_ )  
Sorry, you two, but you're coming with us.

_The sound of RIFLES BEING SHOULDERED as Director Walter Skinner and about a dozen SWAT Guys surround Jack and his team._

OWEN  
Shit.


	2. Abductions

_The sound of RIFLES BEING SHOULDERED as Director Walter Skinner and about a dozen SWAT Guys surround Jack and his team._

OWEN  
Shit.

_Ianto, Jack, Owen, Gwen, and Tosh all put up their weapons with varying degrees of unwillingness. All put their hands on their heads, backs to the SWAT guys and Skinner._

SCULLY  
How did you know where we were?

SKINNER  
Not important.  
( _to Jack and team_ )  
You are all under arrest on suspicion of breaking and entering, vandalism, and resisting arrest.

OWEN  
Who's resisting?

SKINNER  
Turn around slowly - hands on your heads - and kneel.

_The Torchwood team obeys, again with a mix of reluctance or (in Owen's case) resentment._

_When Skinner sees Jack's face, he does a double-take._

SKINNER  
Captain Harkness?

JACK  
Long time no see, Walter.

OWEN  
And why are we not surprised?

SKINNER  
That's Director Skinner, Captain.

JACK  
Director Skinner. Authority looks good on you.

SKINNER  
( _to Mulder and Scully_ )  
Cuff them, Agents.

_Mulder and Scully borrow handcuffs from the commander of the SWAT Guys. Begin to handcuff Jack's team._

_Mulder moves toward Jack, handcuffs ready._

SKINNER  
Not him.

_Mulder hides his puzzlement. Helps Scully herd Gwen and Owen toward Mulder's Car. The SWAT commander and his team herd Ianto and Tosh toward a military truck._

_Skinner surveys the fence._

SKINNER  
Thought I told you to lay off the alien tech before it got you in trouble.

JACK  
Never was one for warnings.

_Mulder, the last pair of handcuffs still at the ready, loiters. Skinner takes the handcuffs from him._

SKINNER  
Thank you, Agent Mulder.

_Mulder wavers, curious._

SKINNER  
I said thank you, Agent Mulder. That will be all.

_Mulder retreats with an apologetic half-smile._

_Skinner handcuffs Jack. Jack lets him._

JACK  
( _to Skinner_ )  
You look good.

SKINNER  
You still look like trouble.

JACK  
You know me.

SKINNER  
Why are you here, Jack?

JACK  
I can't let him keep it, Walter, and you know why.

SKINNER  
I'm done covering for you.

JACK  
I don't need you to cover, just let me make it go away. I can get it out of your hair. Permanently.

SKINNER  
Not going to happen, and YOU know why.

JACK  
There's no need to detain--

SKINNER  
Why are you here, Jack?

JACK  
The offer's still open, you know.

SKINNER  
I will never want your help.

JACK  
I deal with conditions like yours all the--

SKINNER  
I said WHY are you HERE, Jack? I thought I'd made jurisdiction boundaries crystal clear.

JACK  
Would you believe, “I wanted to see you”?

SKINNER  
Cut the crap.

JACK  
It's a Very Dangerous Alien Device. I won't bore you with the technical name, but let's leave it that it won't be invented on this planet for another good two- or three-hundred years. If the idiot who lives in that house figures out how to arm it, he will obliterate most of the Western Hemisphere. And that's not bullshit -- that's the truth.

SKINNER  
Okay. And where did this Very Dangerous Alien Device come from?

JACK  
My neck of the woods, probably. A few rogue elements are still unaccounted for, which is why my team is here. I'd need to see the actual device to verify its temporal signature.

SKINNER  
There's no such thing as time travel, Jack.

JACK  
Of course not.

_Skinner sizes Jack up. Jack, expression neutral, waits._

SKINNER  
You always were a nosy bastard.

_Jack gives his signature lopsided grin_

JACK  
Part of my charm.

_Skinner curses under his breath. Unlocks Jack's handcuffs._

JACK  
Just like old times.

SKINNER  
Shut up.

_Skinner wrenches the cuffs off Jack's wrists. Pockets them._

SKINNER  
Just so we're clear, this is just you and me. Your team waits back at headquarters. We are not allies. We are not working together. And once this is over, you and your team disappear and never come back.

JACK  
I can't promise that.

SKINNER  
What can you promise me?

JACK  
Not to kiss and tell... in the metaphorical sense anyway.

SKINNER  
Good enough.

_Skinner heads for the fence. Jack doesn't follow. Stands, rubbing his wrists thoughtfully._

SKINNER  
What now?

JACK  
My people.

_After a brief stalemate of looks, Skinner gets out his cell phone._

SKINNER  
Agent Mulder? Yeah. Please tell the SWAT commander that the four members of Captain Harkness's team are to be transported back to FBI headquarters. They are no longer under arrest, but are to be held as Persons of Interest... I don't know. Keep them entertained until we get back. That's all.

_Skinner snaps the phone shut._

_Jack is smirking._

SKINNER  
What?

JACK  
Just enjoying seeing you in your natural environment.

SKINNER  
C'mon. The sooner we start, the sooner we’re done.

JACK  
Not if you do it right.

_Skinner gives a chilly, warning glare._

JACK  
Sorry. Lead on.

_Skinner and Jack scale the fence, Skinner deceptively agile. Just as the duo hit the ground on the other side, the gismos short out. The fence re-arms._

JACK  
Nice timing.

SKINNER  
Part of my charm.

_INT. MULDER'S CAR (STATIONARY/MOVING) - SAME_

_Mulder ducks back into the car. Closes the door._

SCULLY  
What now?

MULDER  
Home again, home again, jiggity jig.

_He shifts the car into drive._

OWEN  
Oi! Agents! Where are you taking us?

MULDER  
Back to headquarters, apparently. We're supposed to entertain you as "Persons of Interest".

OWEN  
Bloody fucking brilliant... Wait... Does being a "Person of Interest" involve being handcuffed?

MULDER  
Not sure, but I don't think so.

OWEN  
Good. Then your nice lady partner can take mine off as soon as we've arrived.

_He settles back against the seat, satisfied. Beside him, Gwen looks at him with veiled amusement._

OWEN  
What?

GWEN  
Did I say anything?

OWEN  
What, I'm sure her partner's very nice too.

_In the front seat, Mulder and Scully exchange a brief look._

GWEN  
You--

OWEN  
Oh, like you're not looking at him.

GWEN  
I wasn't either.

OWEN  
Likely story.

GWEN  
I have a boyfriend, Owen.

OWEN  
Again with my name. What is with you people?

MULDER  
Hey.

GWEN  
What is it with me? What is it with you?

MULDER  
Hey. Hey. Hey. Simmer down back there.

OWEN  
You stay out of this.

MULDER  
Just trying to--

OWEN  
I'm a "Person" of bloody "Interest", all right? That's police-speak for "house guest", yeah? That means I'm in-fucking-vited. Which means I--

GWEN  
Would you PLEASE stop talking, Owen?

OWEN  
Would you please stop using my name? Gwen?

SCULLY  
Sir?

OWEN  
What?

SCULLY  
Please, sir, would you mind holding the personal conversations until we can give you some privacy?

_Owen's glare melts into a more genial expression. He settles back against the seat again, calmer and more compliant._

OWEN  
Yeah, all right.

_Scully and Gwen exchange an amused look in the rearview mirror._

_INT. SWAT MILITARY VEHICLE (MOVING) - SAME_

_A very nervous Tosh and a ramrod-straight Ianto sit at the end of a bench in the rear of the vehicle. The SWAT guys are watching them, rifles still at the ready across their chests, suspicious and slightly annoyed._

IANTO  
This could've gone better.

_Tosh, ashen, nods._

_EXT. FBI HEADQUARTERS - LATER_

_Mulder unlocks the handcuffs on Tosh. She gives a grateful, if nervous smile. Joins a newly-freed Owen, Gwen, and Ianto. Scully pockets one set of cuffs. Returns the others to the SWAT commander._

IANTO  
So... Erm... Now what?

MULDER  
( _to Scully_ )  
See, I knew he was going to ask me that.

SCULLY  
Gentlemen? Ladies? This way, please.

_INT. X-FILES OFFICE - SAME_

_Scully opens the door. Tries to hide her annoyance._

_The Lone Gunmen (Melvin Frohike, John Fitzgerald Byers, and Richard Langly) are waiting for them._

BYERS  
Mulder! You’re back awfully quick – was there a problem with Langly’s schematics? 

LANGLY  
The data was CLEAN, Byers. Straight pull off the security company’s back door. They still don’t – 

FROHIKE   
( _interrupting_ )  
Save it for later, Langly. Let the lovely Agent Scully talk. 

MULDER  
( _to Scully_ )  
First “attractive”, now “lovely”.

LANGLY   
( _to Mulder_ )  
So did you get it?

MULDER  
Not yet.

FROHIKE  
I knew we should have run ops for you. What went wrong? 

MULDER  
Nothing.

LANGLY  
Then where is it?

MULDER  
We don't have it.

FROHIKE  
We cannot stress how imperative it is that you find this device.

MULDER  
Look, we don't have it, all right?

BYERS  
Gentlemen. Please.  
( _to Mulder_ )  
What happened? We need details.

SCULLY  
And here I thought we were the law enforcement.

MULDER  
Yeah. Me and my wacky friends.

FROHIKE  
Yeah, speaking of wacky friends, who are these guys?

MULDER  
To be honest, I’ve lost track. 

FROHIKE  
Then why are they in your office?

OWEN  
We’re “Persons of Interest”.

GWEN  
Owen.  
( _to Gunmen_ )  
Gwen Cooper, police liaison.

_She indicates the others one, one at a time._

GWEN  
Owen Harper, our medical expert. Ianto Jones--

OWEN  
Teaboy.

IANTO  
Field Agent.

OWEN  
Junior.

GWEN  
Don’t be a prick, Owen. And this--

BYERS  
Toshiko Sato.

_Everyone looks at him. Then at Tosh._

TOSH  
Have we… met?

LANGLY  
Holy shit, that’s Tosh?

_Langly breaks into a huge grin._

FROHIKE  
That’s completely unfair. Beauty and brains in one package.

_He offers her a hand._

FROHIKE  
Melvin Frohike. You know me as LoneGun1. And the others are--

TOSH  
LoneGuns 2 and 3?

FROHIKE  
Beauty and brains. 

TOSH  
I hadn’t expected this.

FROHIKE  
Someone like you’s in town? You should’ve. Say hello, gentlemen.

_Langly, uncharacteristically warm and welcoming, shakes hands with Tosh, exchanging a kind word or two. Byers is as flustered as if he were in the presence of a supermodel. Tosh, overwhelmed, begins to preen a bit under the attention._

GWEN  
Tosh? What kind of websites have you been visiting?

TOSH  
Erm…

LANGLY  
We could tell you, but we’d have to kill you.

TOSH  
It’s conspiracy theory stuff. How d’you think I found out where the device was?

LANGLY  
Tell us you have readings.

TOSH  
I have readings.

GWEN  
Tosh!

TOSH  
What? We owe them. They’re already in on the information.  
( _to the Lone Gunmen_ )  
I’ll need newer computers than the ones in here.

BYERS  
This way, Miss.

OWEN  
And so goes the nerd patrol.

LANGLY  
Don’t mess with nerds, man.

OWEN  
Or what, you’ll viciously Tweet me?

LANGLY  
I’ll hack your World of Warcraft account. And advertise you as a quest at the local Horde brothel.

_With harsh parting glares, the Lone Gunmen escort Tosh out. Owen takes a moment to recover his pride and his voice._

OWEN  
Oh yeah? Well... same to you!

GWEN  
Jealous much?

OWEN  
Oh do stick a sock in it, Cooper.

_Mulder, who has been rummaging in his desk, emerges with a bag of sunflower seeds._

MULDER  
Seeds, anyone?

IANTO  
I'm sorry?

OWEN  
Sunflower seeds, you provincial. Here, toss those over.

_Mulder rolls the top of the bag closed. Lobs it to Owen. Owen catches it easily. Takes a handful. Rolls the bag closed with one deft motion. Tosses it to Ianto._

_Ianto eyes the bag, dubious._

OWEN  
Would've thought you of all people would follow the basic rule for travellers...?

IANTO  
Don't drink the water?

OWEN  
When in Rome...

_Ianto offers the bag to Scully, who ponders a moment, then takes some seeds. Passes it on to Gwen._

SCULLY  
So, Owen. I'm curious about your team.

GWEN  
HIS team?

OWEN  
My team. I'm on it, therefore it's mine. Yeah. I'm the doctor.

_Mulder and Scully wear matching looks of polite disbelief._

OWEN  
What? I am. Doctor Owen Harper, M.D. Test samples, reach conclusions, perform autopsies.

SCULLY  
Autopsies?

OWEN  
Autopsies. Like when someone dies, yeah? My job to figure what killed 'em.

GWEN  
When you can figure out what sex they are.

OWEN  
Shut up, Gwen.

SCULLY  
And you?

OWEN  
P.C. Gwendolyn--

GWEN  
Oi!

OWEN  
\--Cooper. Police liaison. Though, the only police I recall her lias-ing with was tall, blond, and fancied her.

GWEN  
Lay off P.C. Andy.

OWEN  
See? She even admits it.

MULDER  
And you're really... a team?

OWEN  
Suppose you never yanked your partner's chain.

_Scully dares Mulder with a look to deny it._

MULDER  
I en joy a... casual... working environment.

OWEN  
(to Ianto)  
Hear that? That's what a load of bollocks sounds like in American.


	3. Probes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh yeah, and Jack Harkness/Walter Skinner. mmmm, military men...

OWEN  
( _to Ianto_ )  
Hear that? That's what a load of bollocks sounds like in American.

 _Scully chuckles a little. Sobers up. Looks slightly embarrassed. Gets up and sets the bag of seeds firmly back on Mulder’s desk. Owen preens at having gotten her to laugh at his joke._

MULDER  
( _to Ianto_ )  
And you? Junior Field Agent?

IANTO  
Bit of a dilettante, actually. I go where I'm needed. Do what's necessary.

OWEN  
Makes it sound like he's the fucking enforcer. He's the Teaboy. Keeps us fed. Tidies up. Shags the boss.

IANTO/GWEN  
Hey!

GWEN  
Owen!

OWEN  
What?

IANTO  
And you, Agent... Mulder?

MULDER  
Fox Mulder.

_Ianto smiles. Mulder smiles back._

MULDER  
Agent Scully and I are partners. We investigate crimes with a paranormal twist to them.

GWEN  
Sounds like what we do.

_Scully leans in a little, curious._

SCULLY  
Which organization are you part of? Are you with the British government? MI5? MI6?

OWEN  
Nahhhhhh. Bunch of wankers in suits, that lot. We take care of the things would turn them white and crying for mummy.

IANTO  
Jack, erm, our boss Captain Harkness, is of the opinion that neither the British public –

_Gwen snorts, as this is a sore spot with her._

GWEN  
Nor any public.

IANTO  
Is ready for what’s actually out there. And, given the nearly-universal epidemic of denial after Canary Wharf, I’m inclined to agree.

MULDER  
Canary Wharf?

OWEN  
( _smirking_ )  
Ask Teaboy real nice and maybe he’ll tell you.

_Ianto flushes, visibly repressing the urge to glare at Owen._

OWEN  
So Miss... Scully?

SCULLY  
Doctor Scully, actually. I do most of the investigative medicine.

OWEN  
Oh, really?

_Gwen giggles around her handful of sunflower seeds. Ianto inspects the file cabinets to disguise that he's rolling his eyes._

SCULLY  
Yes.

OWEN  
So what you got in the pipeline? Anything strange, bizarre, and unexpected?

SCULLY  
Not really, no.

MULDER  
What about the body we found up near Sheboygan?

_Scully's look says she'd rather Mulder shut the hell up._

SCULLY  
I'm sure I don't know what you mean, Agent Mulder.

MULDER  
The body? Pulled from the ice? We're supposed to be entertaining these guys, and what could be more entertaining than an assist with an autopsy?

_Scully's ice-blue glare could freeze the testicles off a Yeti. Mulder, having been the recipient of many such glares over the years, ignores her blithely._

SCULLY  
I'm sure I can handle it myself, Mulder.

OWEN  
Just say the word and I'll be glad to eyeball it for you. Fresh eyes, maybe I'll see something you missed. Never know.

_Scully looks helplessly to Ianto and Gwen, who waver._

OWEN  
Oh come off it. I can guarantee you that no matter what you've got, I've seen smellier, nastier, more dangerous, weirder, and more insane. Probably on a daily basis.

MULDER  
I wouldn't be so sure.

OWEN  
Anyway, I'm glad to help. Show you I'm not just the obnoxious bloke who talks over everyone else.

_A pointed silence from Gwen and Ianto. Scully considers Owen._

OWEN  
Seriously, with my boss, if I weren't damn good at my job, he'd chuck me out and find a new sawbones.

_Scully glances at Ianto for confirmation._

IANTO  
Actually, Doctor Scully, he probably would.

_Scully throws Gwen one more pleading look. Gwen bolts the last of her seeds, her face determined and protective. She stands, dusting her hands on her jeans._

GWEN  
All right. Where are we going?

OWEN  
We?

GWEN  
"We". As in you, the lady doctor, and me.

OWEN  
Since when are you invited?

GWEN  
Since now. Doctor Scully?

_Scully smiles, visibly relieved._

SCULLY  
Sure. Fresh eyes.

_Gwen smiles back. Scully leads the way out of the room._

OWEN  
( _under his breath to Gwen_ )  
Cock blocker.

GWEN  
Chaperone.

OWEN  
Poh-tay-toh, poh-tah-toh.

_As she leaves, Gwen flashes a smile to Mulder, who returns it, equal parts grateful and amused._

_When Mulder glances up, Ianto is tidying the office._

MULDER  
You don't have to do that.

IANTO  
I don't mind.

_Ianto scoops up the file folders on the desk. Begins to sort them with confidence. Mulder gently but firmly lays one hand over Ianto’s sorting hand._

MULDER  
Sorry, but those are case files. Classified.

_Ianto smiles his hallmark cute smile. Slips his hand from beneath Mulder’s. Continues to sort._

IANTO  
I work for an agency outside the government, beyond the police, in a century-old base, for a man who I have strong reason to believe fell through a rift in time and space while searching for a legendary alien who's best known for saving Earth on a regular basis.

MULDER  
Okay, you've got me there, but those...

_Mulder trails off, realizing Ianto's sorted things perfectly._

IANTO  
Compared to the messes Jack leaves at home, this is a piece of cake. Do you take coffee or tea?

_Mulder recovers his surprise._

MULDER  
Coffee actually, but the only stuff around here is hardly gourmet. We work a lot of strange hours.

IANTO  
So do we.

_Ianto leaves the room for a few minutes. Returns with a makeshift tray and two mismatched mugs of steaming coffee._

IANTO  
Sorry about the presentation.

MULDER  
God, that smells amazing.

IANTO  
( _with a half-smirk_ )  
The way to a man’s heart is through his caffeine.

_Mulder accepts a mug with a nod of thanks. Ianto takes his own mug. Perches on the corner of Mulder’s desk, leaning in a way that shows off the clean lines of his body._

_Mulder sits in the chair in front of the desk, coolly amused. Takes the first lingering sip of his coffee. It leaves him slightly flushed and breathless._

MULDER  
Your boss is a very lucky man.

IANTO  
My boss isn’t here.

_Ianto’s sip is suggestive, a look through lowered lashes. Mulder watches, noncommittal but interested._

MULDER  
You have a beautiful accent.

_Ianto snorts, self-deprecating._

IANTO  
Would that everyone thought so. Gets me in trouble sometimes, especially if I wander too far from home. 

_Mulder takes another sip. Smothers a moan at how good the coffee is. Swallows hard to maintain his composure._

MULDER  
Where's home?

IANTO  
Cardiff. Wales.

MULDER  
Southwest U.K.?

IANTO  
Not so far West as Cornwall, but West enough. Beyond the Severn.

MULDER  
The river that divides England from Wales?

IANTO  
That’d be the one.

_The two of them raise their mugs in unison. Drink together, eyes on each other. Mulder drops his gaze first. He ends up gazing at Ianto’s thigh. Tightens his fingers around the mug to stop himself from reaching out._

_Ianto adjusts a little on his perch at the edge of the desk, moving subtly closer._

MULDER  
So… files? At home, you must do a lot of filing to be so… efficient.

_Ianto’s gaze is warm and suggestive._

IANTO  
I do a great many things at home. I like to take care of people.

MULDER  
Like your boss… Captain...?

IANTO  
Harkness. Yes. But he’s not here right now.

_Ianto buries the next line in another sip._

IANTO  
And you are.

_Mulder, flustered, takes another sip, his eyes locked with Ianto’s. After a moment, Mulder shakes it off again._

MULDER  
How does your boss know my boss?

IANTO  
Haven't the faintest. He never tells me anything.

MULDER  
But you tell him everything.

_There is an unspoken question in the air. Ianto's eyes are sultry._

IANTO  
I tell him what he needs to know.

MULDER  
Hardly sounds fair.

_Ianto trails the fingers of one hand along the stack of files._

IANTO  
If you knew Jack like I do, you’d think it more than fair.

_Mulder's hand joins Ianto's on the files._

MULDER  
So... Filing. I suppose I'd find you under "W" for "Welsh"?

IANTO  
No. Under "A".

MULDER  
"Atlantic"?

IANTO  
"Available."

_They share a chuckle as both move in for the kiss. Mulder stands, pulling Ianto up with him. The kiss is tender and seeking at first, intensifying slowly but surely._

IANTO  
We won’t have much time.

_Mulder cups Ianto through his trousers. A sudden flush colours Ianto’s cheeks._

MULDER  
We’ll have enough.

_Each man pulls the other’s shirt out of his trousers, laughing softly around the kiss. Mulder glances at the door. Pulls Ianto behind a file cabinet. Presses him to the wall. Ianto slips his hand into Mulder’s pants, his eyes locked with Mulder’s, watching every moment of his reaction. Mulder kisses him, more fiercely this time._

MULDER  
What is it about you?

IANTO  
Not sure, but I’ve never had any complaints.

_Ianto pivots to press Mulder against the wall. Mulder curls one hand at the back of Ianto’s neck. Slips the other into his pants. Ianto’s breath stutters, though he’s smiling as he kisses Mulder again._

MULDER  
This is because… my boss… ran off with your boss.

IANTO  
Yes, and because you are incredibly hot.

_Chuckling, Mulder wraps his hand around Ianto’s cock. Ianto returns the favour. The two of them find a mutual rhythm, a mix of stroking and kissing._

MULDER  
We’re going to get caught.

IANTO  
That’s why it’s fun.

_Grinning, Mulder kisses him again. Never missing a stroke, Ianto reaches with his other hand into his suit pocket. Pulls out two handkerchiefs and a bottle of lubricant. Mulder is amused and aroused._

MULDER  
I’d love to see your job description.

IANTO  
“Be prepared for any eventuality…”

_Ianto tucks the handkerchiefs under his arm. Applies the lubricant with a flourish._

IANTO  
Especially those having to do with sex.

_Chuckling and gasping in turns, Mulder matches Ianto stroke for stroke._

_Ianto leans close so his lips are right at Mulder’s ear._

IANTO  
I could tell you the truth.

_Mulder shivers in spite of himself._

MULDER  
I want to believe...

_Ianto nips at Mulder’s earlobe, sending another shiver through him._

IANTO  
Shall I tell you…?

_Mulder’s free hand tightens on Ianto’s shoulder._

MULDER  
Please.

_Ianto chuckles. Shivers pleasantly, smiling at Mulder’s touch. He kisses and tongues his way along Mulder’s jaw. Mulder, breathing hard, tips his head back in surrender._

IANTO  
We’ll start with Canary Wharf…

_Ianto nips and nibbles at Mulder’s ear. Murmurs secrets in a voice so low only Mulder can hear. Ianto’s hand speeds until Mulder can’t concentrate enough to return suit. Mulder bites back moans and cries, desperate not to miss a word Ianto says._

MULDER  
Please, I won’t be able to--

_Ianto obligingly covers Mulder’s mouth with his free hand. Mulder clings to him, body tense with need and anticipation. Ianto’s murmur is a steady hum of forbidden knowledge. He brings Mulder closer and closer to the brink._

_Mulder fists his hands in the shoulders of Ianto’s coat. Arches hard against him. The hand over his mouth muffles his final cry as he comes hard. Ianto is ready with one of his handkerchiefs._

_Mulder gasps for air when Ianto takes his hand away. Reaches with uncoordinated hands to cup Ianto’s face. Kisses him somewhat untidily. Leans back against the wall, resting his head against it._

IANTO  
All right, Agent?

MULDER  
Very.  
( _realizes_ )  
But you…?

_Ianto takes Mulder’s hand (the one that had been stroking Ianto’s cock a few moments ago). Raises it to Mulder’s lips._

IANTO  
Taste.

_Mulder, still trying to recover his breathing, darts a lick. Hums approval._

IANTO  
If Jack’s to be believed, everyone perceives it a bit differently. Always tasted of dark chocolate to me.

_The unspoken suggestion hangs in the air. Mulder chuckles._

MULDER  
Just give me a minute.

_He kisses Ianto with a mix of gratitude and possessiveness. Ianto kisses back, careful and testing at first, then stronger and stronger. Mulder matches him again. Pivots so it’s Ianto who’s pressed against the wall. Hooks his thumbs in Ianto’s pants. Pulls slowly downward._

_Ianto’s cock is hard and pulsing against his belly. His gaze is slightly feral, his cheeks flushed with barely-repressed want._

_Mulder smiles._

MULDER  
Dark chocolate?

IANTO  
It’s different for everyone.

MULDER  
Mind if I have another taste?

IANTO  
Oh yes, please.

_It’s Ianto’s turn to shiver as Mulder drops to his knees. Ianto covers his own mouth to smother the moan as Mulder draws him deep._

_INT. CLOSET IN THE MANSION – SAME_

_Jack pulls Skinner into the closet. Slams the door closed. Outside, alarms blare._

SKINNER  
Goddammit, Jack!

JACK  
It wasn’t supposed to be—

SKINNER  
But it was.

_Jack takes a small device from his pocket. Shakes it hard. It hums. Outside, the alarms quiet._

SKINNER  
What’s that?

JACK  
A way to buy us some time.

SKINNER  
More alien tech? I thought—

JACK  
I am not going to argue with you right now. Especially when you’re wrong.

SKINNER  
I am not wrong.

JACK  
We have time -- 

SKINNER  
We’re trapped in a closet.

_Jack stares, amused._

JACK  
Seriously? You’re going to give me a line like that, and then expect me to behave myself?

_Skinner struggles to get around Jack. Ends up nose to nose with him. Jack leans forward a little. Skinner is breathless. Jack smiles._

SKINNER  
Don’t even start with me, Jack.

_Jack backs up the one step the closet will allow him._

JACK  
Wouldn’t dream of it.

SKINNER  
Call your team.

JACK  
Already texted.

SKINNER  
When?

JACK  
Had it ready. One-touch sending.

SKINNER  
You had a text ready that you’d be locked in a closet.

JACK  
I had a text ready that I’d be in trouble and need extraction. They should be here in a matter of minutes. This device will disguise our heat signatures and fool the alarms. We just need to sit tight.

_Jack brushes up against Skinner again. Skinner’s eyes go dark with lust and anger. With a muffled curse, he catches a hand at the back of Jack’s head. Pulls him in. Jack goes willingly to the kiss. Puts up only enough of a fight to arouse Skinner more._

SKINNER  
I hate you.

JACK  
I get that a lot.

_The kiss is vicious. Biting. Two alpha males fighting for dominance. Jack throws just enough of his punches that Skinner can dominate the kiss._

JACK  
I’ve missed you.

SKINNER  
Shut up.

_Skinner slams Jack against the back wall of the closet. Throws himself at Jack_

SKINNER  
This never happened.

JACK  
Yes, sir.


	4. Missing Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh, and we can't forget Tosh/Langly. 
> 
> Yeah, this is definitely a "Retcon for EVERYone" party...

_INT. THE MAKESHIFT LONE GUNMEN ROOM - SAME_

_An array of jury-rigged computers sprawl across the tables, along with papers, magazines, and the various empty pizza boxes and cases of Mountain Dew that you might expect from a pack of hackers and conspiracy nuts._

_Tosh, like some nerdy Scarlett O’Hara, sits at the centre of her cluster of Lone Gunmen beaus. She points to the screen._

TOSH  
There. He’s activated the Diffuser.

FROHIKE  
Diffuser?

BYERS  
Some kind of alien tech. For hiding infra-red signatures?

TOSH  
( _nodding_ )  
And muffling noises and such. Also confuses the alarms.

LANGLY  
Please tell me that was your idea?

TOSH  
It was.

LANGLY  
Gorgeous AND brilliant.

_Preening, Tosh grins at Langly. He grins shyly back._

TOSH  
The key is the frequency. It’s like nothing I’ve ever seen before.

LANGLY  
( _grinning stupidly_ )  
Yeah. Nothing you’ve ever seen before.

_Tosh hits a few more buttons. Pulls a handheld device from its charging cradle._

TOSH  
There. Should be all synced up.

LANGLY  
Syncing is good.

_Frohike whacks Langly subtly in the back of the head._

LANGLY  
( _shakes himself_ )  
So you can use this in the field?

TOSH  
To track them down? Yes. Accurate to ten centimetres.

LANGLY  
That’s pretty accurate.

_Langly watches longingly as Tosh passes the handheld device to Byers._

TOSH  
Jack should be calling any second.

BYERS  
I thought he wanted to go it alone. Er, alone with Director Skinner.

TOSH  
He probably meant to, but Jack tends to get himself into trouble.

LANGLY  
And you get him out again.

_Tosh shrugs, self-deprecating_

TOSH  
It’s just my job.

LANGLY  
And you’re amazing… At it. The job. You’re amazing at your job.

TOSH  
Thanks.

_Amused at the exchange, Frohike gestures to Byers. He doesn’t notice._

FROHIKE  
Hey, Byers. Can you help me in the other room? We… uh… need to familiarize ourselves with this equipment.

TOSH  
I’d be glad to help.

FROHIKE  
No. That’s okay. We can manage. You and Langly should stay here to…

BYERS  
Monitor the connection. Keep it up. Er… both ends open and running. Working.

_Frohike rolls his eyes while smiling politely at Tosh._

FROHIKE  
Absolutely.

TOSH  
Well, if you think…

FROHIKE  
We do. We really, really do.

_The two leave Langly and Tosh alone. Langly is gazing at Tosh, hopelessly smitten. The moment the door closes, Tosh fidgets, uncertain._

TOSH  
Your friends are really nice.

LANGLY  
What? Oh. Yeah. They’re all right.

_Tosh dares a sideways look._

TOSH  
You’re really nice too.

LANGLY  
Well, it’s not every day one gets to be in the presence of a bona fide web goddess.

TOSH  
( _blushing_ )  
I’m not a goddess.

LANGLY  
After you posted the CIA hack? You are to me.

_Emboldened, Tosh turns her chair to face him fully._

TOSH  
How long d’you think your friends will be gone?

LANGLY  
Dunno. Why?

_Slowly and determinedly, Tosh climbs into Langly’s lap, straddling his hips. She drapes her arms over his shoulders. Leans in so her lips almost brush his._

LANGLY  
( _breathless_ )  
Oh.

_The kiss is innocent and intense at the same time. Heats up steadily. Langly caresses up Tosh’s back._

_Tosh’s mobile goes off. Cursing, she checks it._

LANGLY  
Who is it?

TOSH  
No one who can’t wait.

LANGLY  
But shouldn’t you--?

TOSH  
Owen will get it.

_She buries any further protests in a kiss. Within moments, Langly returns the snog with equal enthusiasm._

_INT. AUTOPSY ROOM - SAME_

_Owen and Scully are bent low, examining the innards of an alien corpse._

OWEN  
...that is clearly NOT a bronchial sac. Too much fluid. Have to check, but looks like a secondary stomach.

SCULLY  
Secondary...? What does this guy need with two stomachs?

OWEN  
What does a cow need with four? Different animals. Different diets. Different pathologies.

_Owen reaches across Scully. Points to another portion of the corpse._

OWEN  
Now if I may direct your attention to the right atrial folds, Dr. Scully--

_A tongue depressor bounces off Owen's head._

OWEN  
Oi! Having a consult with the nice lady doctor.

GWEN  
Your "consult" looks a bit friendly, Owen.

_Scully, fascinated, is poking at the place Owen indicated on the corpse._

SCULLY  
This isn't even close to human.

_Owen glares a warning at Gwen, who toss-catches another depressor in warning and glares right back._

OWEN  
Five points to the lady doctor. Not human at all.

SCULLY  
But that can't... What is it?

OWEN  
Either an excellent forgery or some kind of cephalopoid. Pretty human-looking one. Have to ask Jack when he gets back.

SCULLY  
Jack? You mean the captain guy? The one Director Skinner knew?

OWEN  
Tall, flirty, ballsy bastard in a blue RAF coat? Yeah, that'll be Jack.

SCULLY  
How do they know each other?

OWEN  
Damned if I know, but -- knowing Jack -- smart money says sex.

SCULLY  
Excuse me?

OWEN  
Your boss. My boss. Shagging like rabbits.

SCULLY  
Wha-- Director Skinner is straight…. He has a wife, for God's sake!

OWEN  
Every bear needs a beard.

SCULLY  
Every.... What? Look, I may not be a big follower of gay culture, but I think I'd... Ohhhhhhhh.

OWEN  
"Ohhhh" what?

SCULLY  
Nothing.

_Scully turns back to the corpse_

SCULLY  
So you really think this is an alien?

OWEN  
Of course it's an alien. Only question is what kind and what do you mean "ohhhh"?

SCULLY  
Just... You seem very knowledgeable about... things...

OWEN  
You think I'm gay?  
( _laughs_ )  
Tell her, Gwen.

GWEN  
( _wide-eyed with feigned innocence_ )  
Tell her what?

OWEN  
Tell her about... you know... you and me.

GWEN  
Oh, yes. Owen and I have been working together for the past... what is it? Six months? A year?

OWEN  
Not that bit. The other thing.

GWEN  
What other thing?

OWEN  
The part where you and me...?

GWEN  
What? Oh! Don't always get on. Oh, I'm sure the very clever lady doctor's figured that out already.

SCULLY  
It's perfectly normal and healthy, Dr. Harper.

OWEN  
I am not--! You--

_Owen's glare promises Gwen "I'll get you for this."_

_Gwen blinks, feigning innocence._

_Scully clears her throat pointedly._

SCULLY  
Now if you don't mind, Dr. Harper, I'd really like your opinion on what this is.

_Sullenly, Owen turns back to the corpse._

_Owen’s mobile phone, which is over on the counter, buzzes._

OWEN  
Could you get that, Gwen?

_Gwen pauses, eying Scully, who’s distracted and fascinated by the corpse. Owen glares._

OWEN  
I AM capable of keeping my hands to meself and besides…

_He holds up his latex-gloved hands, which are dripping with alien slime._

OWEN  
Not exactly equipped to cop a feel, now am I?

_With a longsuffering sigh, a glare, and a pointed finger, Gwen snatches Owen’s mobile and goes out of the room to take the call._

_Owen waggles his eyebrows at Scully._

OWEN  
Alone at last.

SCULLY  
This has to be some kind of…

_Owen, back to business, moves closer._

OWEN  
Circulatory organ, I think. Not a heart, though. Don’t think they have hearts. Or if they do, it’s a bunch of little ones instead of one big pump. More efficient, really.

SCULLY  
Seriously, Dr. Harper. What am I looking at?

OWEN  
Nothing scary. I’m still voting cephalopoid, though like I said, Jack’d know better ‘n me.

_When Scully turns, she’s suddenly very close to Owen. His breath catches, but instead of making an ungentlemanly move, he backs up slightly._

_Scully’s smile is genuine._

SCULLY  
You’re full of surprises, Dr. Harper.

OWEN  
“Owen” and I wouldn’t want to presume ‘cause I’m not gay and I fancy you. But I suppose you and that Mulder bloke…?

SCULLY  
Partners, that’s all.

_Owen strips off his gloves, steeling himself for rejection. Scully joins him. Strips off her gloves._

SCULLY  
Thank you, Dr. Harper.

OWEN  
“Owen”.

SCULLY  
Owen. Your insights are remarkable. I’d like to consult you, if possible.

_Owen half-smiles, then sobers. Sighs._

OWEN  
Wish it were.

SCULLY  
Your boss have something against working with other agencies?

OWEN  
Yes and no. It’s complicated.

SCULLY  
Well, if you ever can…

OWEN  
Yeah. I’ll call.

_They scrub up in a companionable silence. Owen dries his hands first. Offers Scully a fresh towel. She takes it._

SCULLY  
You’re not what I thought you were.

OWEN  
I get that a lot.

_He starts to reach toward her._

GWEN  
Owen!

_Startled, Owen pulls back._

OWEN  
What? What, what bloody what?!

GWEN  
It’s Jack. He needs us. And I can’t find Ianto or Mulder anywhere.

OWEN  
Did you check behind the file cabinets?

GWEN  
Behind the…?

OWEN  
( _annoyed_ )  
Oh, bloody hell.  
( _to Scully_ )  
C’mon.

_INT. MULDER’S OFFICE - SAME_

_Gwen, Owen, and Scully burst through the door._

GWEN  
Ianto?

SCULLY  
Mulder?

OWEN  
Oi! Teaboy!

_No answer. The room is silent. Annoyed, Owen opens the door to_

_THE FILE ARCHIVE_

_He checks behind the file cabinets. No one is there._

OWEN  
Sod it. We’ll manage without them.

GWEN  
( _to Scully_ )  
Any idea where Tosh and those other lads might’ve gone?

SCULLY  
Yeah. This way.

 _Behind the door to the file archive, Ianto and Mulder are flat against the wall. Once Owen closes the door, they share a conspiratorial snicker. Then a kiss._

IANTO  
That was close.

_Mulder hums agreement. Presses Ianto to the wall. Kisses him deeply. Ianto returns the attention with interest._

_Mulder sinks back to his knees._

_Ianto gasps hard. Presses his wrist to his mouth to block the sounds Mulder is pulling from him._

_INT. A CLOSET IN THE MANSION - SAME_

_Jack is expertly fellating Skinner, whose flush, even in the dark, betrays his mixed emotions. From one moment to the next he’s ecstatic, horrified, furious, the whole gamut of human emotion._

_Jack’s free hand is in his own trousers, subtly but steadily wanking. He pulls off Skinner long enough to lick two fingers. Draws Skinner to the root of his cock, making him gasp. Reaches back between Skinner’s legs. Barely brushes…_

_Skinner’s eyes fly open. He shoves Jack away roughly._

SKINNER  
Don’t even think about it.

_Skinner spins Jack around, yanks his trousers down. Skinner spits on two fingers, shoving them in a few times, a rough warm-up. Impatient, he grabs his own cock._

SKINNER  
I hate you.

_Despite the rough treatment, Jack is grinning._

JACK  
I know.

_Skinner slides in hard. Jack hisses, a flush of pleasure flitting over his cheeks. He braces on the wall as Skinner starts to thrust._

JACK  
We’re… going… to get... caught.

SKINNER  
Shut the fuck up, Captain.

_Grinning in the dark, Jack bites his lip. Begins to moan. Skinner strips off his own tie, one-handed. Loops it over Jack’s head. Gags him with it._

SKINNER  
I SAID, shut the fuck up, Harkness.

_Jack, trying to disguise how much he’s enjoying this, leans on his arms as Skinner continues to fuck him._

_OUTSIDE_

_Footsteps approach._

_INSIDE_

_Skinner stops. Clamps a hand over Jack’s mouth. Pulls him up for a few breathless moments._

_OUTSIDE_

_The footsteps retreat._

_INSIDE  
Jack laughs, muffled by his gag. Furious, Skinner starts to thrust again._

_INT. OUTSIDE THE MAKESHIFT LONE GUNMEN ROOM - SAME_

_Frohike and Byers are leaning against the closed door, each trying to pretend he doesn’t hear the noises coming from inside the room. They are fiddling, overly casual, with the handheld device._

_Byers tries to whistle nonchalantly. Gives it up when his tune starts to sync up with the rhythm of the rocking/squeaking coming from behind the door._

GWEN  
There they are.

SCULLY  
Sorry, I thought they were in the next lab down.

GWEN  
So where’s Tosh?

OWEN  
And the skinny blond bloke with the bad mullet?

_Frohike and Byers trade a look._

OWEN  
Oh, come off it! Time’s wasting.

GWEN  
We need you to help us locate Jack.

FROHIKE  
Yes. Of course. This should lead us straight to him. Them. Both of them.

_There’s the sound of something being knocked to the floor inside. A throaty moan._

BYERS  
Well. Come on. Time’s wasting.

OWEN  
I just said that. Where’s Tosh?

_Another thump. A rhythmic squeaking, like a rolling chair being abused._

FROHIKE  
She and Langly are…

BYERS  
Collaborating.

FROHIKE  
Yes. They’ll support us from here. Keep a virtual eye on things.

BYERS  
They’re both very good at surveillance.

FROHIKE  
The best.

_Scully, Gwen, and Owen all trade a dubious look, but follow Frohike and Byers as they lead the way down the hall._

_INT. MULDER’S OFFICE - SAME_

_IN THE FILE ARCHIVE_

_A breathless Mulder and Ianto sprawl on the floor, panting and happy._

IANTO  
Agent Mulder?

MULDER  
Mmmm?

IANTO  
I have a rather mean-spirited idea.

MULDER  
I’m listening.

IANTO  
We could always beat them to the mansion and pretend it’s their fault they didn’t find us.

MULDER  
Evil.   
( _grins_ )  
Let’s do it.

_Both unsteady and laughing, they get to their feet. Straighten each other’s clothes._

IANTO  
Thank you, by the way.

_Mulder gives his trademark lazy smirk._

MULDER  
Any time.

_Both snatch coats and weapons from on/around the desk. Head for the door._

_EXT. THE MANSION - LATER_

_Gwen, Scully, and Owen lay cover fire as Jack, Skinner, Frohike and Byers hot-foot it across the yard._

SKINNER  
This better work.

JACK  
It will work.  
( _taps headset_ )  
Tosh. I hope to hell you’re listening, because I really need that fence down right now.

_INT. THE MAKESHIFT LONE GUNMEN ROOM - SAME_

_Tosh and Langly are a mass of sweaty limbs and disheveled clothing._

TOSH  
You should be a go, sir.

_Langly cuddles closer. Tosh strokes his hair. Kisses his temple._

_EXT. THE MANSION - SAME_

_Grinning, Jack picks up the pace. Skinner, grim-faced, hustles to catch up._

_Ahead of them, the fence SIZZLES dark, a breach that the team should be able to scale._

_A pair of security team members steps into view, right at the point where the fence has gone dark. Jack and Skinner skid to a halt._

SKINNER  
Now what?

_Ianto and Mulder subdue the security team members, surprising them from behind and disarming/dispatching them with gusto._

JACK  
Ianto!

IANTO  
Sir.

JACK  
Thought you’d abandoned us.

IANTO  
Never, sir, just… erm… heading them off at the pass.

JACK  
Good timing.

IANTO  
I pride myself on it.

_Jack, Skinner, Frohike, Byers, Gwen, and Scully all scale the disarmed fence. Owen pauses before he goes over._

OWEN  
Heading them off at the pass?

MULDER  
( _with an amiable grin_ )  
That’s our story and we’re stickin’ to it.

SCULLY  
C’mon, Owen!

_Mulder and Ianto have matching raised eyebrows as they look back at Owen._

MULDER  
Did she call you “Owen”, Dr. Harper?

IANTO  
I believe she did.

OWEN  
Oh shut up. Let’s go before we all get shot.

_Chuckling knowingly, Ianto and Mulder follow Owen._

_INT. MULDER'S OFFICE - LATER_

_Mulder, Scully, Skinner, Owen, and Gwen sit and stand in the office. Ianto is passing out coffee. While Skinner and Scully samples theirs gratefully, Owen and Gwen hold their mugs, but subtly avoid actually drinking._

_As Ianto gives Jack his coffee, Jack scents the air. Raises an eyebrow at Ianto. Ianto blushes. Turns away to hand a mug to Mulder. Mulder’s smile is warm and winning. Ianto glows at the attention._

_Skinner clears his throat pointedly._

SKINNER  
Not interrupting anything, are we, Agent Mulder?

_More self-conscious, Mulder focuses on his first sip of coffee. Is distracted by how good it is. Recovers._

MULDER  
No, sir. So is everything resolved to your satisfaction?

SKINNER  
Yeah. We got what we needed.

_Jack hides his smirk in his coffee mug._

_Frohike and Byers enter. Ianto hands cups of coffee to each of them as they pass._

JACK  
So there it is. We got what we were looking for. Everything worked out great.

MULDER  
( _to Skinner_ )  
Sir? What shall we do with the witnesses?

_Skinner sips his coffee. Jack wraps his hands around his._

SKINNER  
We're done here, actually, Agent Mulder.

JACK  
And it's time for us to get going.

IANTO  
Yes, sir.  
( _looks to Mulder_ )  
I am sorry.

MULDER  
No “sorry”s necessary.

IANTO  
Thank you for your hospitality.

MULDER  
My pleas….

_Mulder falls onto his arms on the table, unconscious. Skinner's eyes roll into his head. Jack catches him. Eases him down into the chair Ianto had been sitting in. Frohike faints. Gwen makes a grab for Byers, who’s also slumping._

_Owen tenderly catches Scully. Lays her down. His face is a mix of concern, regret, and anger._

JACK  
Owen…

OWEN  
Sod off, Jack.

_Jack smiles, but makes no further objections._

_Ianto is righting Mulder in his chair, a look of bittersweet affection on his face._

JACK  
I went on the adventure, but you had all the fun.

_Ianto scents Jack. Smirks._

IANTO  
Not all.

_Jack chucks Ianto on the shoulder._

JACK  
Told you this would be fun.

_Jack moves a little closer._

JACK  
Don't suppose you're up for telling me all the juicy details?

IANTO  
( _smiling_ )  
Perhaps when we get home, sir?

JACK  
You’re going to make me tease it out of you.

IANTO  
Always.

_Ianto slips out of Jack's arms. Shoulders a tray with two more mugs._

IANTO  
But first, I think Tosh and Langly could use some refreshment.

_Jack kisses him deeply._

JACK  
Devious .

IANTO  
And aren't you glad?

JACK  
Absolutely.

 

_INT. THE MAKESHIFT LONE GUNMEN ROOM - SAME_

_Ianto and Jack pause at the door._

_Tosh is tucking an unconscious Langly in. She’s fully dressed. She watches him sleep with regret._

JACK  
You did the right thing.

_Tosh nods._

IANTO  
Sorry, Tosh.

TOSH  
It's all right. He was really...

JACK  
Nice?

TOSH  
I was thinking "enthusiastic", but "nice" works too.

IANTO  
What next, sir?

JACK  
We go home. But this was a lot of fun.

OWEN  
For you maybe.

_Jack shrugs, happy._

JACK  
And you never know. They might come in handy.

GWEN  
How can they, if we’ve RetConned them?

JACK  
A doctor, a paranormal investigator and their boss? You never know. Torchwood Three is a small team. Someday we might need some additional support. Or replacements.

OWEN  
Replacements?

_Chuckling, Jack leads them out._

OWEN (O.C)  
No, seriously, Jack. What d’you mean replacements?

_Ianto is the last one out. His regretful look melts into a smile when Mulder peeks an eye open._

_Mulder mimes “call me”. Ianto nods. They share a final conspiratorial grin, then Mulder feigns being unconscious._

_Ianto shuts the door._

_FADE OUT_


End file.
